Im torn in so many different directions. I really dont know which end is up. Part of me can see the future so plainly and the other part is scared to death of not knowing whats around the corner. I have been accused of being afraid to jump for fear of the sink but I dont know how to clear my head so that I can even consider the depth of the sink to begin with.
I know that makes no sense but I have a hard time committing to anything (I cant even commit to my own thoughts 90% of the time). I suppose that comes from 11yrs of learning not to depend on myself or think for myself so its no wonder my head cant make a consious decision without worrying about if its the right one. I never know anymore. I can never tell. I overthink everything and i get so scared of making the wrong choice that most of the time, I dont make a decision at all. isnt that sad really? A 30 something year old woman with children, who cant make a decision outside of dinner for fear of messing up. I could go with my gut a million times a day but I even second guess my own gut.
So what if I jump into the sink? how do I know I wont get sucked down the drain? I guess I dont and right now I am too scared to even find out. I guess I am comfortable in my clutter. I feel safe standing on the edge of my sink with nowhere to look but down (literally).
I dont want to be pulled to any one side or another. but I feel like I am. I feel like the direction I want to be in doesnt want me there and the direction I am afraid of is fiercly pulling on me. I cant make up my mind. I am thinking about it every day and when I think I have a decision made, I lose control of my confidence and I am right back to where I began. this sounds like such a copout but its all I can muster right now. I wish someone would come along, make the decision for me and just say, “this is what you have to do” but I really dont think that will ever happen. I am afraid of never finding my own voice and always depending on someone else’s voice to lead me.
When did I get this way and how did I let it happen to me?
[...] it, I almost reveled in it. I’ve made excuses for the clutter, called it disorganization, I’ve let clutter take me over mentally, and even poked fun at my inability to be clutter free (I still think being a visualizing surface [...]